Expressing My Feelings

I went to bed early tonight and whilst lying there I was thinking to myself that I hadn't blogged today. I wasn't going to bother as I didn't feel that I had anything I wanted to be grateful for even though there are a lot of things I should. I was thinking that no one other than myself truly cares if I blog or not, this is something that I wanted to do for myself, so therefore I am only accountable to whether I blog or not! The reason I started this blog was to give myself something positive to be grateful for each day as the year prior was a miserable, self esteem deflater, unmotivating, depressing and disheartening to say the least. In saying that, this year has already had its ups and downs, one especially being the passing of my dear Papa, whom today I have missed so much, another being that our house taking so long to even start to be built, we have been here for a year and a half and have been signed up with the builders for almost a year and still nothing, not even a tiny incey wincey pebble has been turned on our land. I'm having one of those miserable nights, I was a bit teary this morning but fine throughout the day and even on the way home but then whilst eating dinner my happiness started to go down hill, especially after dinner when I spoke to my mum and broke down in tears, something I did not want to do as it would upset her even more than she already was, but I did and she's fine, now I've given her something else to worry about other than missing Dad. I'm so totally and utterly confused, one minute I love my job and I'm positive I can make it work, and the next minute I'm stressing about whether I can achieve what's expected from me; one minute I'm loving living here in Metung, and the next minute I'm not so sure; one minute I'm excited about building our dream home and the next minute I don't care; one minute I'm completely okay with the fact that I have changed the lives of my two oldest boys whom didn't have much choice or say in the matter of us moving away, and the next minute I'm feeling utterly guilty for not giving them their say or choice. I love my family and we are all pretty close so it makes it hard for me to be apart from them all, I don't necessarily have to see them every day, I just need to know they are ok and hear their voice over the phone occasionally. I have to admit there has been plenty of times that if our old house in Riddells Creek was still ours I would be searching jobs near there in order for us to move back. I may be grateful for small things each day but in the end I'm only human and by being human my days don't always contain bright yellow daisies and beautiful sunshine, they occasionally includes dark, dark clouds with chances of tears, I mean rain. So there you have it, my feelings for the night and why I'm a little unmotivated and uninspired to be grateful for anything. Reading back on this Blog I've realized that today I am grateful for something, I'm grateful for the fact that I can express my feelings and share how I feel with the world (really) even if the world doesn't read it. Steph